Fondling Dandelions

My Tangible Hallucinations,

Yes, I know: my attendance in reality is somewhat limited. As the deities of WordPress have issued their proclamation that today’s topic is lifestyle, I will share with you – my elite peons – my daily regimen.

AWAKEN. I keep a recording of myself shouting this very word ready to go each morning. The experience is refreshing, as I am the only thing I somewhat understand. After pressing the tips of my fingers to a belt sander, I get my fix of my other sunrise grind: a fresh cup of coffee. Black only of course. Well, maybe not only. But the small increments of arsenic I do add don’t fully qualify in my book. After all, building a tolerance is closer to a long-term goal than a life choice.

I stand in the shower for the next hour, slowly raising the temperature a single degree every minute until I can no longer feel my skin. My dearest reader, wouldn’t we be so much closer with less than seven layers? And with no sensations remaining in our bodies, all the pain would be taken away. Such an electrifying thought. And with no fleshy prisons! Oh, but excuse me gracious reader. I’ve gotten a bit off course.

For the next nine hours, I assess the integrity of asphalt. The summertime is my favorite for this multi-hour affair. As the radiant heat permeates my body, I can determine the quality of the ground beneath my feet. Hmmmm, yes, no scarring, no decay, perfectly crafted and somewhat fresh. Ridden a few times. Knows their way around the block, yet still spry, not yet faded. Yes, the county has been taking care of you, haven’t they? Maybe set aside some tax money?

But the time I enjoy the most, dearest reader, is with you. Yes, for hours I laugh at my computer screen before vomiting on my keyboard and letting it dry. And some of it sticks. By the time I return home all I can do is obsess, my very own cathexis, over what to do next. Yet it never does quite come to me. So I muse, and I write, and I think, and I scribble. On the walls, and the toaster, inside the lining of my oven, and across precautionary signage to make it say funny things.

You may be wondering what I do late at night. Well, I’m too drunk to continue this post my pancake referral network. So I’ll leave that to your imagination. But no, I don’t do that. Gross.

Just ate half a chicken,



One thought on “Fondling Dandelions

  1. Pingback: Voluntary Eviction | RICHARD BERKSHIRE

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